Undertakers almost moved to tears as devastated sons had to be prised away
Grieving boys wouldn’t let go of
mum’s coffin
 When the grim reaper comes to call, we’re lucky to have people like Graeme and Margaret Easton around.
The couple own two undertakers’ businesses — Alexander Easton Funeral Home in Bonnybridge, and Cullen and Easton in Cumbernauld.
They told Bill Hicks The Honest Truth about just how big an undertaking a funeral really is.
What does the law say about sending off our loved ones?
There’s no legal requirement on relatives to dispose of a body. If there are no relatives or no money the National Assistance Act kicks in with £1323 for a simple, dignified funeral.
Someone on benefits once asked for a £2800 send-off, but when told they’d have to fund the difference we never saw them again. Another family all chipped in for a funeral — only for the purse-string holder to blow it on a flat-screen telly and new bed.
We’ve lost thousands through people not paying so most undertakers now take deposits.
How did you get into the business?
Margaret — I’d been a hairdresser and a woman whose mum was in hospital asked if I’d do her hair. I turned up with curling tongs to discover the mum had passed away and was in the mortuary. It struck me I could offer a service to local funeral directors, and when one asked if I fancied becoming an embalmer I jumped at
the chance.
Graeme — My dad, who started the company, was a joiner and local undertaker. He made coffins so death was something I was brought up with. I also worked
in the fire service and although we didn’t have training to deal with
death the way they do now, a seasoned officer would take you under his wing.
Tackiest
thing you’ve seen?
Just as a priest was about to carry out the service of committal, he looked up at the line of mourners to see them standing, cigarettes hanging from their mouths. His look said it all and they immediately stubbed them out.
When mourners turned up with guitars, keyboards and drums at a service I thought they were the band for the servicemen’s club next door — until they broke into
Ruby, Don’t Take Your Love To Town. I also remember a minister saying the wrong name during a service.
How many funerals have you carried out?
Between us more than 5000. In the early days people pointed at Margaret when she drove the hearse.
You must know
a lot about grief then?
There are two types of grief and you get to know when a genuine mourner is about to pass out. We have to be ready to catch someone if they’re going to faint.
The other is false grief where people turn on tears and although most mourners are genuinely sad, there’s a saying in the business, “Where there’s a will there’s a relative.”
What’s the
worst mistake an undertaker can make?
There have been cases of the wrong person being buried because the wrong lids with nameplates were put on. If there are two people in the mortuary with the same surname I double-check everything.
We always check unfamiliar routes the night before. I’ve known a cortege drive to the wrong cemetery and on one occasion one drove past wondering why the gravediggers were waving frantically at them.
What happens when you’re called to an accident?
We first report to the officer in charge, who’ll tell us where we can and can’t go. Every accident is a potential crime scene and even kicking something to a different position inadvertently can cause forensics hours of needless work.
If a victim has been badly disfigured, it’s our job to make identification as distress-free as possible, which can
mean everything from removing glass to washing hair.
Ever
get upset?
We had just closed the coffin of a mother of two young boys when the door burst open. Her seven and nine-year-old sons ran in and both were crying, “Don’t leave me, Mummy,” gripping the handles so tightly their fingers had to be prised from them.
The advice of a former boss not to show emotion was difficult to stick to.
Can anyone
set up as an undertaker?
Yes, but for peace of mind always choose a member of the National Association of Funeral Directors or British Institute of Funeral Directors.
It takes a year minimum to qualify as an undertaker, two as an embalmer and students must have signed off 25 funerals of their own.
In remote places like the Hebrides some people carry out their own funerals and I recently had a call from a man asking how to bury his brother. Some people drive their deceased home to the islands in their own vehicles. There’s no law against it other than that the coffin must be covered or out of sight and the vehicle roadworthy.
How has the industry changed?
The choice of coffins is immense nowadays and you can personalise them with photos of your loved one.
Technology is also playing its part and I recently heard of a funeral in Livingston that was relayed live via the Internet to relatives abroad.
Obesity is fast becoming an issue and we now need more equipment than ever for lifting and removing.
Ever
refused a request?
I’d be uncomfortable with sectarian music, but there’s always a compromise. One
family wanted their deceased’s prized electric guitar cremated along with him, but
that wasn’t practical. I suggested putting it on the coffin lid right to the end then presenting
it to the grandson, which kept everyone happy.
What
would surprise us?
Undertakers are swans — cool and calm on the surface, paddling frantically underneath. There are now more women in the business and just last week I came across a female gravedigger.
Women generally prefer dealing with a female undertaker, especially if a child is involved. After the death
of a woman who’s never married, relatives often feel much more comfortable with a female embalmer.
Floating funerals are plain sailing
in Venice
  In Cyprus the bones of an interred relative can be put into the coffin along with loved ones at later burials.
In Belgium funeral directors have access to municipal hearses, which they can book whenever they need them.
Venice has hearse barges.
The number of burials versus cremations in the UK is roughly split 50-50.
Most US funerals are burials, though there are occasional cremations, followed by a memorial service.
The average price of a UK funeral is £3000. The US cost is around £10,000.
Some US undertakers now offer catering as part of a complete funeral package.
Certain Chinese traditions decree a body must be kept in a room with a window to allow spirits to fly out and deceased must be dressed in clothing without pockets so nothing can be taken with them.
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